Water Your Worth

Two prayer petitions I submitted to God before I took a giant leap of faith to become a single mom with my baby were:

• May the perfect opportunity present itself for me to be able to provide for us comfortably with plenty to be able to honor my generous heart.
• For me to never want to look back and wonder or want to try again.

What is interesting to be in teh middle of the changes and yet also be able to see the big picture, sometimes we get the opportunity to see God’s craftsmanship and faithfulness in creating the path and the new life.

The perfect opportunity for work was steadily catching my attention a couple months before leaving and then a month after leaving. It is honestly fascinating to see the way each puzzle piece is brought together along the way.

The questioning of if I made the right decision, should try to return or even stay in contact is brought about froma series of unraveling into establishing. Firstly, these types of relationships do a number to the mind and after so many times of hearing things one starts t o wonder if what is being heard is real or if the humble voice of their spirit’s knowing is the accurate one. Then, this wasn’t a small step of faith, it was a giant trust fall with only faith in God’s great provision as a catch basket. And lastly, things have not been easy – lots of scams, too many other people’s opinions and lack of true empathy, starting a business and looking for work as a mom who was off grid prior is not a quick catch, making sure baby never felt any kind of distress or upset while breastfeeding and baby wearing through all the varying homes, families, travels and climates… all while also working on my own mindset, processing, healing and of course faith like never before.

Everyone else gave their input and some was spot on and others was coming from their own lenses, ultimately I needed to focus on what is best for me and turn to God more than any person because this was between me and Him. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, a handful of people decided that they valued their own perspective and words over me which has created a discontinuing of connection. The ones that have been able to maintain connection and true consideration of my picture are more valuable than gold and the others I still love with respect for their limitations.

It was not until I was placed in a home that showed me a big picture of what I was changing in the generational lines that real hit me hard in knowing just how important it is that I not look back, go back or connect (at least for now). Being able to see what a child feels in the middle of disfunctional parents, seeing how I might end up if I did return and being able to witness what my parents might have endured in their childhood which made them how they were… it is a much bigger cycle than I realized. And just as it was relayed to me that once I no longer wanted to look back things would start to progress, I was also given the direct message of Lot’s wife. The angel told her, “Whatever you do, don’t look back.” She just could not help herself and longed for her things over her future and was instantly turned to a pillar of salt. A whole new perspective being “salty”.

This realization hit me pretty hard and then I started to actually heal, forgive and know that I love. At one point I was having a memory and questioned if that was okay and was immediately confirmed that it is good to hold on to the memories but do not look back or question the deliverance that God opened up for me to even be able to be in the scenario that I am now.

I am so incredibly full of appreciation for it all and am continually finding increased value of who I am. The process is still in motion but it is a worthy ride and I look forward to being able to help others in their journey when the timing is right.

Looking back is a weird temptation because it almost disguises itself as not but ultimately anything that turns you away from the life God has in store for you is a temptation and meant to be turned away from. Stay strong and carry on, the love of your creator is far greater and you are worthy of a beautiful life.