Water Your Worth

There was a time in my life that I actually believed that I was biologically incapable of having children. I knew that I would be a part of the lives of many animals and children, I just did not think it would come through my body. As I continued with this mindset I started to establish stories on why I am glad that would be the case. Looking back on it now, I can see that it was a means of loss within me that was crying out with excuses instead of tuning in to it’s innate wanting.

Through my life I have held a mother type role for a lot of types of life… I even talk with and love plants as if their momma!

In late 2019, I was in a deep meditative healing session with prayer asking God what I am supposed to do with my life. When I came back to the room with open eyes, I started crying and said, “God wants me to be a mom.” I had no idea how that would end up but I saw the image of a man walking up the start of some stairs with one child running in front, one on his shoulders and one right next to him. I knew in my heart, soul and everything that this was my family.

I am a firm believer that sometimes we are led to something or someone in order to allow for things to take place for the greater good and ultimate will of God. Even though I am not in that family scenario… I am a mom and my child is totally a gift from God. It is not taken lightly and I hold this role with the greatest esteem knowing that God chose me to raise my child. There is a lot more to this topic but lets stick to the one of motherhood for this post.

Here are some facts in regards to mom-ness: the mother and child are always connected at a cellular level (the tiniest part of life), the child and mom’s emotions are tied together for a minimum of six months (I literally would cry every time my baby cried), the baby does not comprehend being outside/separate from the mom for a year or more sometimes, the mom’s brain literally changes shape after birth – this better enables her to be ready for anything, not to mention the increase in every sense with a broader peripheral awareness and oh so much more!

For me, there are plenty of other things that I have been able to appreciate from my life and moving into momhood… like how I used to clean horse hooves as a kid and so I know how to bend the leg back to put my moving baby’s foot through the diaper hole while he stands (this being the one that I just thought of before typing this). It is also interesting how that gag reflex just disappears when picking up the baby’s poop or spit up. My go with the flow adaptability has been extra helpful in accepting the varying things that might come up through the day and or end up on my clothes. Then my well versed use of always being prepared made it easy for me to pack the diaper bag accordingly.

The most impressive is how I get to experience just a small portion of God’s love by feeling the great new expansiveness of my heart and how strongly I love like never before.

Making the decision to be an only parent was not an easy one, I truly love(d) and wanted the man I created this life with… there was a lot that we agreed on and there was a lot that I realized I did not want my son to see, think okay or mimmick and most importantly… if someone does not love you then it does not do anyone, especially the child, any good to force it.

So, I take this role as momma to the utmost of everything. I am so much more than just the vessel that brought life into existence in this world… I am a bodyguard, a provider of love, nourishment, confidence, security and enjoyment. I am the first contact and the bridge between my child and this world and I believe my child is the bridge between me and God. I find that these roles have been lessened, tainted and manipulated through time in this upside down world. It is in these truths that I find more empowerment and honor in my role.

So, what do I mean by all of this?

Well, people (not all of them, but a lot) do not have a good sense of boundaries when it comes to babies and even worse there are really terrible, even evil, people among this world. So, as a mom it is my duty to set the boundaries for my baby, myself and others that we interact with. Boundaries of my child’s autonomy, energy and involvement/development. I am that mom that tells strangers not to touch my baby and I almost want to touch them back so they can see just how weird it is that they lose all sense of space with a baby. It is my responsibility to make sure that an area is safe for us and that my child explores his growth with awareness of this world. It is my duty to set people in their place when they go for a hug to make themselves feel better and it is my job to make sure my child is never forced to touch anyone, no matter who they are.

I am a momma bear, even been called a lioness with her cub and I take that with great appreciation. My child and I are a unit and I know it seems foreign to a lot but in all actuality it is the most traditional way, it is Biblical and it is as it should be – mother raises her children, feeds her children and keeps her children close to her heart fiercely protecting them from predators while enabling safe education of the environment.

I will not apologize for my tact in this position because it is for my child’s life over mine, I do not care who I offend because I know that God Himself has bestowed this gift to me and it is only God that I need to turn to, seek and confide in completely. God makes each of His children for purpose and in His perfect image… so, why would I want to do anything else but that? I know this is something that can cause triggers because the world has created such a separation from the truth of life and I just want you to know that it is okay to feel uneasy. Ask yourself what it is that is coming up for you and why instead of judging or challenging.

There is a reason God waited until now to make me a mom in this form, there is reason I experienced what I have and have the knowledge I do now. I know that I needed to be in this space and operation of extreme faith in order to utilize all that is required of me for the life of a child.

I have said it before and I am sure it will continue to be the sentiment; to be a mom is the most life giving, loving, amazingly stressful opportunity of my life and I continually give thanks.

I have a lot of details that I can share in the vastness of this topic, my story will be written. Does anyone want to have any topics taken further in the subscription section?