Water Your Worth

There have been two very distinct respiration moments that I will never forget the feeling of:

The first one was when I took a big gasp of an inhale and I knew that my child’s lungs were just established and God was creating his last growths while inside me.

The second is when I exhaled in peace with the allowance of real healing to take place, having the comfort of both feeling and seeing God’s hand through everything with great appreciation of it all.

I have heard it said that there are essentially three stages to trauma – victim, survivor and thriver. From what I have seen and experienced even each stage has several layers to and through it. There have been times when I thought I was finished with something only to be faced with a new level of development to overcome and allow for the proper becoming. On the other side there have also been times when I was ready for “the other shoe to drop” only to be greeted with a new level of self, peace and forward progress in life.

So, here I am in this new current space and as I have been cautious and nervous from being in the survivor state for so long and shown repeatedly the inconsistency of others and the lessons needed to live through in order to come into… I kept hearing, ‘what if the other shoe doesn’t drop?’, when I would pray and be anxious about the new stay. Each day something would remind me of my past but each time I felt myself feel loving and pleased to have good memories while also remembering why it was important that I leave.

Then one day came when I was curious and the intuitive feeling I received was confirmed but surprisingly a whole lot of feelings came through and I crumpled into a mess of tears. Not even fully able to label what the feelings were just a whole lot of feelings. It was at that point that I stated, “I am actually healing now.”.

Having been so nervous about life and then caught up in the survival mode while also dedicating the best energy, space and love for my child through every changing environment I never fully allowed myself to feel, to mourn and to allow for the space to dissolve.

I am fully aware that this element of healing will be on going but/and, I am also aware that this sense of love is what is needed in order to allow for real healing. I was told, “you can’t fool the universe.”, and I have never wanted to. I never want to speak poorly of my past or to feed any kind of negative from it. Everything has and always will be a part of me, I would not be who I am now or capable of becoming who I am made to be if it were not for the things that I have felt, seen and experienced. I never would or even want to hide any aspect of my life from the greater life that is – it serves no purpose. It is in this space and reasoning that I am honest, sometimes too honest!

The way I see everything is that I live, I learn and I become new from.

Here’s to what has been and what will be. I thank you and look forward to continuing that story.