Water Your Worth

“I don’t think you CAN get pregnant.” He said sharply, with a look of aggression mixed with annoyance and disdain. I remember it all so clearly and how worthless I felt. I was not allowed to help people, bring in my own money, have any say in our living arrangements and had to ask to make plans with friends… “God, I know you want me to be a mom. You showed me an image so clearly. Will you help me be pregnant and help him see me clearly?” I would look up to the heavens and pray while feeling so lost and unsure about so much. How did I get caught up in this feeling, this confusion?

What is funny is that, I was not actually the one that initiated wanting to have kids together. I barely wanted to have sexual engagement with him because I was on a male sabbatical where I only wanted to have relations if it brought me closer to God. I was on my own journey and deepening with God… until it became his journey and while I did indeed go deeper with God, I also got further from who I was.

I continued to try to prove myself, you could say, even as I was pregnant. I willingly isolated myself, allowed him to be the man that he said he needed to be and do all I could to be the woman that he said I needed to be, but continually kept being told that I was the problem and not doing things exact. He continued to show me that he was not what I needed and didn’t see or even want me. It was not until I gave birth to our son that I felt the real push to ask God a different question… “How do I leave?”

As my boy is coming up on celebrating two years of his life outside me, we have experienced life quite differently than most these eighteen months and, honestly, I wouldn’t change it for anything. It has been hard, but I am continually impressed with what I can endure and who I am becoming. I sit in prayer often, it seems like almost everything I do is a sense of prayer and connection with God. This Monday I heard very clearly, “Daughter, you have been gifted my child because I know you to be worthy. I see you. I got you.” Yes, I am. Tears well out my eyes and down my face as I feel that, absorbing all of the presence, acknowledgment and credit.

Through our journey as mother and child, God has given me several very clear instructions: how important it is that I am my child’s mom, that He would equip me fully and that it is necessary for me to be separate from most in order to be who I am intended to be for my child. This week’s message hit different though, this was a deeper confirmation, especially now as I have let go of all want for my ex, for him to want me or to want to contribute to his child (even though I took him away for our own safety). This was a validation of real worth, a worth that no man can ever define for or to me. I am worthy because He sees and chose me to be.

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