Water Your Worth

I’m a sinner and I have fallen into the trap.

There is a sin that is so great and so sneaky that most are sinning more than they realize. There is a command that is made through the Bible over three hundred times, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9) “Have I not commanded you?”, our Lord says. If you have spent any time with the word and our Lord you know that a command is super important and necessary. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your might. This is the first and greatest command. And the second is like it: Love your neighbors as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hand on these two commands.” (Matthew 22:37-40) So, the simple fact that “do not fear” is written so many times means that it is even more essential.

I have been journeying with God for a handful of years now and it ALL has so much depth and purpose in taking me out of who I had become to be who I was “fearfully and wonderfully made” to be and it has been a lot of everything. Things changed though as I continued with my child because the world got louder. As soon as I let people know that I had left the situation I was in the response was a mix of “Oh thank God” and “What are you going to do?” I have been constantly hit with the question of how will I provide for us and people have been harsh and then dropped out of my life because when I say, “I am doing all I can and it is all in God’s hands” is just not enough but what is worse is that while I have full confidence, belief and knowing of how incredibly awesome and faithful our God is and He always provides and that I cannot force His hand but have to be in His hands… I was also always frantically looking for ways to make money, ways to prove to people that I was not just a deadbeat relying on handouts. I have put in attempts in every way possible even to the stupid waste of time in doing surveys for money.

Here is where it gets real. Being a single mom without a home of your own is already regular survival mode but then add trying to find some sort of income while maintaining an energy of normalcy for my child and all of his regular developments is a lot but apparently not too much for me having strong endurance and perseverance. I know that God is making ways. I know and have seen miracles in our life that He gave me to show me that He has it all and that I can rely on Him and I do… but I also got caught up in the trap of other people’s views of me, the ways of the world instead of God. I started fearing more than believing and I started putting other people who have helped provide for us before Him. I walked one way and then thought, ‘Oh! I gotta find a way…’. I stated when I left almost three years ago that “God will provide” and then I mixed that in with everyone else’s questions of, “How are you going to provide?” I have been sinning so much with this that I actually was thinking that I was doing what I could and in some way helping out the Lord Almighty. I have been double-minded and have been the whole reason why I am stuck in this cycle.

Last night Holy Spirit let me know how disappointed He was with me in that I wasted so much time with stupid surveys and looking into grants, etc. I fell asleep bawling asking for forgiveness and then as the nes day started to unfold the message of sinning and stopping my blessings came through from a Holy Spirit led Pastor and then a huge charge on a bank account showed up that I had no way of taking care of… I fell to my knees in complete repentance realizing that I was the problem and in order for the cycle to change like I desperately have been praying for… I need to change and truly, completely, without a doubt know that He is greater than anything and will take care of us and everything. I said the sinners prayer as I looked at myself in the mirror after looking at the picture of Jesus and hearing Him let me know, ‘I did not take everything and my life to the cross for you to treat it this way.’ Ooof, that cuts deep. Can you imagine the feeling of having big nails drove in to your hands and feet knowing that you are doing this for someone you love to never have to experience death but to live and then to see that they are disgracing this gift of unconditional love? Do you feel that?

I am worthy of receiving His life but more than anything He is worthy of me believing full heartedly in everything that He IS for me, with me and has taken it all to the cross so that I can be anything.

Here is where it gets beautiful and even more real. I need to reset. I need to know and stand firm in order to enter into His rest – this was shared with me twice as I woke and did our scripture breakfast reading. After a bunch of praying and crying we go to the park and I am given an image of me sitting on the grass. I am still repenting and asking for strength through the walk and then we meet another mom and child in the grass and on the mom’s hand is the word, “MERCY”. Not only was I being shown something as I sat on the grass while our kids talked but come to find out this mom was also facing the exact same thing I was. There are absolutely no coincidences in God’s ways and this mom and I were able to pray together, uplift each other and hug one another in, with and for our Father’s glory knowing that He does everything so perfectly that He gave us this moment together.

The real real beautiful truth is this: there is absolutely nothing that God can’t do and there is absolutely nothing that will satisfy any amount of life like God can. I am a sinner, I have sinned and I have repented and am saying, no more and never again. God brings the right opportunities and ways, God sees all and knows us better than we know ourselves, He cares for the smallest of creatures and flowers and absolutely cannot forget about His beloved children.

Do you believe and know how treasured you and your life really are and that you Will be cared for? Have you falling into any of the traps of this world also? How has He come through for you and shown you that He is merciful and gracious in ALL His ways? Do you know? Do you want to know?