Water Your Worth

I used to have a pretty big hole in my heart and I tried everything to fill it or not feel it. It would be easy to point the finger at the ones who brought me into this world, who had no love for each other and found it rather difficult to love the gift of life they were given that forced a connection to each other still. But the truth is… I had to recognize their incapacity and that this hole was not their shape to fill.

So my journey of life began with a big heart seeking it’s fullness. I knew where it began but kept looking for the mend. I tried matching my breath with my mom’s and understanding who this man I called dad was. I knew my Father’s presence and that He was with me in the darkness but it wasn’t long before the enemy’s tactics made an imprint. The enemy really does lurk around and wait, putting a nail in life and then lets it fester and change. Even though I knew and loved my maker, the world started to subtly establish a barrier. A barrier that pushed me away from Him, bringing me in this world and living in sin. My heart’s journey changed. Now the hole got bigger and nothings satisfied… it only made sense that I should die. But, something kept me alive, every time.

The time came when I had to fully explode saying take me out of this life, I’m no good and cannot seem to make it work, I hate this world and just want to go home. “No. You still have work to do.”, I was told. The journey changed yet again as I was brought into sobriety and cleaner living – “leave it all and come to me, I won’t let you fall”, THE journey of real love began.

It flowed well until I got in the way again. I slipped and was caught in a web that seemed to take life out of me and I didn’t know how to leave or make it end. But God did. He gave me a new life with an added gift of life to bring to Him. But, the world and the enemy doesn’t like to be made a fool and brings out all the stops and tools. Whispers of doubts, removal of supports, questions of “How?” were ever present as it all covered the whisper of my Lord saying, “Let me”. Seeking changed as I fell for everything. Until finally it all crashed, I gave up and fell into the greatest of repentance.

“Your sorry means nothing unless you also add the change.”, I have told my child to help him adjust some behaviors. I know this to be true in how our Father operates as well. Repentance has to be a change not just an apology. So a hault took place to any and everything that tried to fill His space.

He is God Almighty, capable of any and everything and He wants all the glory and praise. “Seek after me, long after me, I want to be your one and only.” I felt His call. I sat with it being honest with myself – I have wanted a man but… there is not a single man that can fill, provide and be all that is needed. I agreed with a confirmation of, “It is true. No one can do what You can do.” which followed up with, “I give it all to You. I trust You. I need You. Remove what is still in the way, fill me with You fully. But! I need Your strength as I am weak and a human, I need Your confirmations too, I let go and let You… it’s all Yours anyways, make the way and speak to me clearly to do as You say.” Psalm 119 came to mind to study and connect with more deeply. My longings and hurries have changed as I know I have to follow the one that was, is and ever will be… I am nothing without You, my greatest desire is to be what You have for me.

I am convinced that there is nothing that draws you closer to God and the removal of selfishness than a child. “Set yourself apart still.” I still had some selfish tendencies that needed to be addressed. “Look at the deliberateness of all of this!” A child longing for love now being blessed with the ability to give even more and to be filled with the ultimate that only comes from above. A heart filled and life continued. A wholeness that only comes from His Holiness. A heart filled and life continued. All for Him to be glorified. Hallelujah! You, my Father my Dad are worthy of all that has been had. To come into your perfect image and establish Your lineage… no greater honor to be had. Thank you Father for always being there and bringing me into your arms to weep as I say, “Dad!” “I want the life You have for me, no other love do I want to keep.” Thank you, from my whole heart to, for and with You… always. I vow to You, my love to keep. I give You my days, help me count them and live as You say – the best way!

A heart can only be whole when brought into union when the One who creates ALL.

How is your heart? Are you connected or have you been separated?

[Thank you for taking the time to read a devotion and a small expression of the book – He truly is deserving of everything.]