I have been transparent in sharing before on how writing a memoir and being a mom is some of the most humbling and vulnerable tasks to be given but they are also some of the most life giving and transformative and a great priviledge. There is literally nothing that can slip by…
I actually truly appreciate how God gives me these great opportunities to see things (a tiny bit) from His lens. There are so many times when I have said something to my child and was reminded on a time when God said those exact things to me before. Recently, I realized just how real these mom triggers and reflections are and how truly important they are to face for all involved (God, my child and myself).
It was one of those days that just suuuucck. Screams are happening, toys are being thrown out and there is no escaping of any sort. It hurt annoyingly and was terribly draining. I have come to appreciate and look forward to taking small moments of prayer when mothering seems like too much because it is only with Him that I am able to help the child He blessed me with anyways and He knows us better than we know ourselves. I took several quick moments of connection but the day just kept on and it wasn’t until getting ready for bed that He gave me the revelation that sent me to my knees in my own repentance and greater seeking of help.
Being a mom is a seriously sacred role and it requires us to be on our toes constantly – for whatever spill could take place, to how to best navigate our own emotions, making sure people know their boundaries and child knows how to handle things and then knowing how incredibly impressionable these little ones are and that it is our job to filter and support them through all that comes from the world physically and spiritually.
At the end of that really tough day, Holy Spirit got my attention with how my child’s behavior reflected my own towards Him. I have this annoying nervous tick where I pick at myself and sometimes when I feel a bit overwhelmed I will actually look for things to pick at on me – it’s terrible and I have tried many times to control it but, find that I just kept going back to it. The night before the tough day I heard very clearly that it was time that I stop picking at myself and turn the page into the new. But, I just kept going and even kept thinking, ‘Oh, well just this last thing…’ but, disobedience is disobedience no matter if it is the “last time”. The very next day I was hit with all of that in the physical with my child and it huuuurt and as mentioned, suuucked. So as the day is closing and we are settling in, I find myself bawling for a different reason in the simple fact that I have to represent for my child what they are to do even if what I am needing to adjust is spiritual obedience, it still effects.
One thing I will say though, and give great appreciation to the Lord for helping me with, is that even in these very real tough days, my child and I still know that we love each other and still make sure to tell one another that we love each other, sometimes while in tears together but love still. This is a huge wound healing for me as I recall many times when my mom and I had rough days and I was sent to bed without dinner and definitely didn’t hear that I was still loved and understood that it was just a behavior issue not me. Even now, my mom has chosen to lick her own wounds instead of love her child or have any kind of presence in my life – and honestly, I don’t blame her or have any pain against her only expressing the reality that it is only by God’s love that I know and am able to love properly for my child – and I know I still have a long way to go and things to work on… but, the Lord still meets me, picks me up and loves me every step and through it all. (Praise God!)
I write this post with a wondering if others are able to take a little step back from the mess of a day and see if there is anything that is being reflected back from the trigger or if there is any self reflecting being allowed when triggered… Something to think about on your own but, do reach out if you would like a prayer. May God Bless you and Keep you.
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